Elusive

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Ended of the year with trainings and started the year going back to SP handball on a Friday night. The joy of being able to still play in the courts of SP gives me this familiar, happy feeling that I can’t find elsewhere. Maybe because it’s a place I spend almost half of my life there from 2012-2014 and the relationships that I took with me there are ones that I (hope) lasts for a lifetime.

Amidst being stuck in this state where I see myself not progressing any longer, I’m still grateful of people who never gave up in seeing what I can do. Even when time and time again I might not have played to what they have envisioned me to be. Even when I still take playing time for granted and not being able to perform. But coach was right about me setting my expectations too high and when I’m not being able to perform to that standard, it’s all in my mind that I stuck on the mentality of ‘not improving’.

And then we went on to talk about other things but I think she’s right about me taking charge of my own thoughts and actions. My own conscience and the things within my control. “She appreciates honesty” definitely.

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Resolutions

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Every year, people make resolutions and I remember making them in 2014 – some which failed terribly (I tried not to use swear words but nope) and others that worked out better. (like…… I shall not say later hahaha) Nonetheless, making resolutions are a one-off thing (every year) and then again if along the way, if it’s something that I can’t keep up with then well so be it! There’s always something behind a “new year, new me” mentality. So, why not? 🙂

Here are 10 resolutions/reminders to myself this year:

10.  Write more

I genuinely want to go back to blogging and I figure out that since I have more time this year, why not! The kind of writing that I miss is being able to express myself freely instead of emotional longass caption photos on Instagram where it’s too much of an open space. Especially when it’s a platform that’s catching up with many so having a “private account” isn’t really private anymore.

9.  More time for myself

I think it’s also more about setting my priorities straight and saying “no” to people more often this year. Maybe this will backfire and not work so well in my favour but I think as far as it goes, I’m still trying to figure out how to work out commitments and whether these things are worth taking or not.

Things like “making time for myself” include watching cartoon in my pyjamas, chasing after my driving license as well as long jogs at canal and cabbing less often 🙂

8. Less emotional

Speaks for itself. Always very led on by my emotions and what the heart feels. I used to open up very easily to others and likewise, I don’t know if it’s the right thing that has worked for me because it seems like I’ve been more vulnerable in 2014. Not saying that it’s a bad thing, but I’d like to think that there is this part of me that “doesn’t want to care” even though I do.

7. Be more open to try new things

It’s a year that I really want to be more open and adventurous (contrary to having more time for myself) but I like to keep exploring different aspects whether it’s sports, new interests or so!

6. Always stay objective, and keep your head up

Can’t emphasize how important this is in the world where there’s so much politics going around… nevertheless, things that I listen and hear. Things that I know but don’t say. I’ll just keep it in, as long as my conscience knows and I’m just doing what I am and how I contribute to either side.

5. Meet up with friends

This is the year that I’m going to graduate and start a new life with a new circle of friends all over again. As much as I can, I want to be able to relive moments and catch up with some people in my life before I go on to a new phase (and then start all over again)

4. Enjoy playing handball/netball

Aggression is one thing, wanting to excel and do better is another.. but being able to immerse myself in the experience of fully enjoying the beauty of handball and the camaraderie of the people you love being with in a sport that you are passionate for.
That’s the whole point of it all.

3. It’s okay to not be okay 

Okay? Okay.

2. Family is so important

2014 has taught me so much. And this was one of the lessons that I will remember. Never ever take health for granted and the people around you.

1. Be a better lover, a better friend, a better person

At the end of the day, if all else fails – I just need to remember at the end of every day, it brings along new smiles and faces on the people that I hold dear to me. There are bound to be bad days but I need to stop being so hard on myself all the time. Not saying that it’s possible to count my blessings all the time but it’s more like when I feel like the world is against me, I got to remember how there are some things in life that I’ve been so grateful for and make that a reason strong enough for me to keep going on.  I want to keep being someone who’s optimistic and not let circumstances define me.

“Any time now”

They told me to prepare myself for grief.

How do you do that?

How do you find the strength and the heart in you to hope for the best, how do you tell yourself that it’s okay? How do you seek comfort in knowing that someone’s in a better place that’s not here?

How do you handle the sight of seeing someone fighting to breathe, fighting to live on?

How do you stand the thought of breaking out the news to her?

How does one put up with knowing that “this may be the last time?”