I’m sorry, old space.

I’m actually not supposed to be blogging right now, rather finishing up my assignments.. endless projects.. CAs after CAs.

I’ve lost track of everything.
I have detached myself from everyone. Well, not everyone technically (the project mates that I see on a day to day basis… team mates..)
but when I mean detached,
I mean that I haven’t felt like myself at all.

And that’s a pretty sad thing because I’m somehow on this next phase of my life where I feel like I’m going through secondary school all over again,
but now with a more mature mindset and knowing how to manage my time better. (but do i really?)

But back in my school days, I used to have  someone who would “look after” my welfare.
I meant at least, the school will be small enough so teacher A would know teacher B and the kind of know the stuff I would be going through. Plus I would share this connection with them in a sense that they would understand how it’s like for a 15/16 year old to be handling all these things. And when the workload starts to get crazy, they’ll have the decency to tell me “young lady, there’s too much on your plate.” I’m not saying I need someone to nag at me, I just need to know when I’ve reached my limits which I myself don’t see at times.

And what is it with being a perfectionist that is screwing me over?

I’m turning 18 this year.
By now, I should know right?
I should know what I’m suppose to and what I’m supposed not to do.
I’m supposed to be more disciplined.
Did I see myself to be in this state?
And after my breakthrough incident last year, a whole lot more grateful to be physically…. healthy. (not even to the extent of fit)

I do agree, here and there my facial expression on and off peak will depict expressions of fatigue, sadness, the eyes that tell you “I’m tired. I’m done here.”

And I convince myself that once all this is over, it will be okay.
That’s probably the only thing that’s keeping me going.
I know to handle my emotions better, break down when I must at times,
but still am mastering the art of keeping it all together and putting out a pokerface.

To show the world that I’m still okay.
And I thought if I believe in that thought long enough, or if i show everyone that I am.
Then I am okay.

 

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