The past 2 weeks, this theory has by far gone beyond what I expected.
It wasn’t physically living out of my comfort zone for me- like living in the jungle back that time in Telunas. Or something emotionally out of my comfort zone like experiencing extreme devastation of any sort.
It was pushing limits over limits and what I can do with my mind and body.. day after day after day after day.
I’ve never had to put myself through that before.
In fact, I didn’t need to.
Being so near from taking the easy way out, the short cut and saying no and just walk away from it all.
Why I will be silly enough to put myself through all of that shit when its supposingly my holidays and something that I should enjoy?
I have all the time to be an intern next year, this time. (as part of my school curriculum)
And with trainings that I have already imagined my holidays to be, the best move I made was to make it 2x (in fact, 5x) more exhausting dealing with office hours back and fro.
I’ve been called insane. I thought that I was insane.
The first week wasn’t worth it at all. I didn’t even know what I was getting myself into.
I wanted to quit, I wanted to drop it all.
Along the way, seeing how everyone was happily enjoying ‘life’ and holidays, when I have to reject outings from people that I am dying to meet, when I have to sacrifice time being happy, sacrifice my youth for something like this which I would probably be doing every day of my life in the future.
But to hear a compliment today on a work that I’ve put so much of the time and effort today on, even if it was just that one line-
it was worth it. The hours spent sitting in front of that computer, the many times I just wanted to crash into a slumber or a power nap in that office.. the times I walk in with wet hair and my bulky shoe bag to my cubicle, ah. The many times I had to deal with all of that all over again and again and again.
Then I tell myself that this is the direction that I’ve set myself for.
This is what I want to do, and when opportunity strikes- something knocks me out of my head.
Dropping off at school every single day when it’s meant to be your holidays.
For more work, putting myself through more tedious trainings and ever wondering it’ll be worth it at the end of the day.
Funny how I tell people to enjoy their youth because, you only get to live through this once at the end of the day right?
I do feel it’s time to cut myself off.
With that being said, I’ll still be back in school for the upcoming Handball Pol-ITES.
If I could only tell you how long I have been waiting for this.
I can never tell anyone how it feels like, the pain. The agony.
This year, last year. All the past POL-ITE seasons.
Every single one of them with an impression that lasts.
This post ends here anti-climax.
Because till now I still don’t know what I have on my plate. What I’m putting myself up for.
I hope this journey continues and I’ll be able to really, truly experience myself smiling again and feeling like all of it is indeed bittersweet.