Don’t you ever say I just walked away

A few days ago, I got to stumble upon my Sony Ericsson Walkman phone (which was one of the cooler phones to have… last time) and I don’t know if it was a good thing or not, but I’ve completely immersed myself with messages, pictures, videos of the past.

What did I look back on?

I looked back on my messages with my best friend, and I immediately went to take a video of the conversation and whatsapped her. We spent about a good 15 minutes reminiscing, laughing and thinking how innocent and how we used to laugh about every little thing back then in school. And she asked, “Is it a good thing that we lived through that phase?”

I looked back on my messages with my council teacher, the one where I looked back at the conversation filled with “Jasmine, help me tell all student leaders…” “Need 3 of you to be at the hall now to help..” “Meeting tomorrow 6.20am outside the hall in full attire..”. And looking back at all my replies which were all back then, texted under the desk (while everyone else was probably using their phone under the table to ‘hide’ to text their friends… I was there, trying to hide texting a teacher from a teacher during lessons and often answering calls outside class too)

I miss that. I miss having someone to boss me around instead of having to set off and think of my own directions and to take lead. I miss having someone to cover all grounds for me and for me to have the main role of just disseminating information to the rest, rather than being at the main fault should I be the one to forget something… or the one that I have to source out for my own point of contact when I need answers as compared to just asking “cher”.

I miss being the one who can say “because Mr. ___ or Ms. ____ said so.” when a task is being questioned, instead of now being the mean person to tell everyone else, “because I said so.” And the fact that I still have to stand my ground and that how everyone else matters to me.

I looked back on my messages with my council and netball members, mostly those of which are forwarded messages like “Please be punctual for tomorrow’s meeting…” or “Are you coming for training tomorrow? Why or why not?”

I looked back on my messages with the one that got away. 

I looked back on the times through all that shit I had to go through in secondary school – the amount of stress and workload I had to deal with on my own shoulders, the amount of incoming texts that came in from my council teachers, netball that had to be settled in school, the times where I made my teachers had a conflict over my own commitments, the times where I diligently attended club trainings traveling to Kallang just to play netball and staying up in the middle of the night to study and to finish up homework, the times where I’ve cried, time and time again breaking down and forever being on the verge of tears because……. all these reasons that I don’t even remember why did I cry or feel so much for but just knowing that someone was there to put up with all of that but yet reading my replies made me feel worse off than a person that I already am.

Because it reminded me of how grateful I should have been then. Because it reminded me of what a lucky, no, the luckiest, person back then to actually have someone to put up with me through that. To have someone caring and taking care of my own welfare when it was my own responsibility to do so in the first place – but you made it yours. Because I see the way that I’ve replied you and I understand why you gave up. I understand completely when I got the hint that I wasn’t able to cherish what I had better. I didn’t get it at first.

But now, after years of looking back, I understand.

I know the common phrase to look back on is that it is too late to look back on regrets, but this isn’t a sign of me showing that I am regretful or that I wish I could go back in time to amend those mistakes. I have gone through that phase a year ago – the whole process of wanting to go back to the start with you and chasing relentlessly and trying to mend this tragedy between us.

I am over that, and sure as hell that you are.

You deserved so much more than what I could give then.

But I’m glad I went through all of this.
All.of.it.

The crying, the depression phase, the thinking that “I’ll never get over it” period of time… that was probably what I paid my actions for, those were the consequences of my actions of being such a crude, heartless girl back in secondary school having the ideal kind of life people thought I led.. but instead it was all in the realms of a broken person.

Indeed, this isn’t something that I am looking back on being regretful or teary that I have lost out on something I should have cherished back. (I have spent so much time and tears on that, so many wasted opportunities and how I was so blinded back then) but this is a part of my memory that I’ll never forget that has made me the person I am today.

Goodnight.

 

 

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