Right, before your eyes.

It’s a new year, I see a new calendar by the side of this webpage starring 2 0 1 4.

I see a year full of hope, promises and faith.
Just like how I usually begin every other year.
But I guess it’s feeling a little different this year.

Looking back at my 365 days of 2013,
I thought to myself “Wow, 2012 was much better.”
I wonder if I’ll look back at the end of this year and think the same way about 2013 too.

I don’t have an excuse for not blogging for so long.
I’ve been busy, but if I were to make time for it, I could.
It’s just that I haven’t really wanted to visit this place for so long because it ignites feelings.
Feelings, that I don’t want to make myself think so much anymore.
It’s this love-hate relationship, but being able to express myself feels so, so good that I can never find myself being able to confide in anyone what I feel.

I have wanted to sit down and blog for a very long time, penning down all my thoughts and reflect about my 2013- as what I would usually do. But it feels so surreal and different this year, like I don’t want to look back. It’s like a blank page that I’ve scribbled on and just moved forward with the next chapter just to start all over again.

I told myself this year that I will let myself be happier, and by letting go of some of my commitments – I will be able to do so.
I’ve made some hard decisions in 2013, for many times my mind and body have pitted themselves against each other as every part of my soul took a back seat. I just let myself take the back seat, putting everything else ahead of me.

And I realized how I was the only one left feeling upset and empty.
Please don’t get me wrong, there is no reason for me to feel upset and empty. There’s no reason for me to feel sad. I am blessed with the greatest things in life that I can ever ask for, family, companionship, a good bunch of friends that I can always count back on, teammates that I love to play my heart out in the court for, it’s so complete that I should be happy. I shouldn’t even complain.

I don’t have anything worth complaining about.
And usually I would sit around and beat myself over feeling this way.

Am I giving in too much? Am I asking for too much?
What have I not done enough? What could I have done more?

I had to let go many things dear to me last year.
And letting go isn’t like giving up an old flame, it’s not as simple as just letting yourself fall.
Letting go, in any forms at all is never easy.
It can be a person, it can be a job, it can be a commitment, it can be anything.
But when someone does it, it’s always for the mentality that things will get better.

You know why it’s so hard for me to let go?
Because these were things that I cared about. Because I’ve invested so much time and effort into making something worth it.
If you only knew how much this means to me, I would have never let it go. 

Everyone tells me that letting go is a better decision.
That they are proud of me for doing so.
But I’m not. I’m not like that.

The person that I am would have stayed on and endured through.
And she wouldn’t back down until she broken and down to pieces.


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